Can You Really Be Friends Across Political Differences? What Research Says Might Surprise You
Posted on Adventures & Lattes | September 15, 2025
Last week hit me hard with the killing of Charlie Kirk. The political intensity, the sharp divisions, the way people I know and respect were sharing completely opposite outcomes. As I watched my social media feeds split into parallel universes - some mourning, others celebrating, most just exhausted by it all - I saw something that stopped me cold.
People were posting about "unfriending" others after seeing their reactions. People saying "this isn't just about politics - this is about morals." Friends declaring they couldn't maintain relationships with people who celebrated or mourned differently than they did.
Here's what made it personal for me: Some of the people I saw making these declarations are people I genuinely love and look up to. Women I admire for their kindness, intelligence, and character. And yet, I know we probably don't share the same political beliefs.
It hit me - when politics wasn't part of the equation, we could be friends. We could love and respect each other. But the moment political differences surface, suddenly I'm "unfriendable"? Or they are to me?
When did political differences become friendship deal-breakers?
And it made me think about something that relates directly to what we're building here at Adventures & Lattes.
I noticed the divide everywhere. In group chats that went quiet after someone shared a news article. At coffee dates where conversation carefully steers around certain topics. In the way we've all become experts at reading the room before expressing any opinion that might be remotely controversial.
And it makes me wonder: Are we filtering out potential friendships without even realizing it? More importantly, where's the line between "we disagree on politics" and "we have fundamentally different values"?
Because that seemed to be what people were really saying - this wasn't about tax policy. It was about social issues, about what kind of society we want to live in, about how we treat different groups of people.
But then I got curious about how this actually happens in real friendships:
Do you discover someone's political party and immediately write them off as friend potential? Or do you get to know someone, build a connection, then drop them when political differences surface?
What about childhood friends - did you all grow up with the same political stances, or did some of you evolve in different directions? If your childhood best friend ended up with completely different political views, did you drift apart or find ways to maintain the friendship?
These questions feels especially relevant to our Adventures & Lattes community because we're actively trying to build authentic connections in MetroWest. Are we accidentally limiting who we're willing to connect with based on political assumptions?
The Questions That Keep Me Up At Night
But before we dive into what the research says, I want to know: How does this actually play out in real life?
The Filtering Question: Do you find yourself doing political math when you meet someone new? Like, you're chatting at a coffee shop, having a great conversation, then they mention something that gives away their political leanings and you suddenly lose interest in pursuing the friendship?
The Discovery Dilemma: Or does it happen later? You've been friends for months, maybe even years, then political topics surface and you realize you disagree on fundamental issues. Do you find ways to work around it, or does the friendship fade?
The Childhood Friend Test: What about friends you've known forever? Did you all grow up with similar political views, or have some of you evolved in different directions? If your childhood best friend ended up with completely different political stances, are you still close?
The MetroWest Reality: Living in educated, affluent communities like ours, it's easy to assume everyone thinks similarly. But what happens when we discover they don't?
I'm genuinely curious about your experiences because the research I found suggests we might all be doing this political friendship filtering more than we realize.
What The Research Actually Shows
Here's what I discovered when I dug into the actual studies on political differences and friendship:
We're way more politically isolated than we think. Research published in 2024 found that only about 1 in 5 U.S. adults has a friend on the political "other side." That means 80% of us are primarily surrounded by people who think like we do.
We avoid political conversations - even with close friends. A 2024 Pew Research study found that only 18% of Americans say they talk about political issues "a lot" with close friends and family, while 58% say politics comes up "a little." We're literally tip-toeing around these topics with our closest people.
Political diversity in friendships is actually rare. A comprehensive 2025 study examining 971 pairs of adult friends found that "friendships between Democrats and Republicans were rare and the degree of political attitude dissimilarity within pairs was generally low."
Reading this, I had one of those uncomfortable recognition moments. When I really thought about my closest friends here in MetroWest - the women I grab coffee with, plan weekend activities with, trust with my real thoughts - how much political diversity do we actually have?
Probably not much.
The MetroWest Reality Check
Living in MetroWest Massachusetts, we're surrounded by educated, affluent communities where certain political leanings feel like a given. It's easy to assume everyone thinks similarly because, well, they probably do.
But here's what makes this tricky: When your social circles are this politically homogeneous, you might not even realize you're filtering out potential friendships based on political differences. It happens subtly - through the activities we choose, the social media we engage with, the conversations we have at school pickup.
I started thinking about the women I know who seem fantastic - funny, thoughtful, generous - but we've never developed deeper friendships. How many times was it because we sensed some fundamental difference in worldview and unconsciously backed away?
And is that actually serving us?
What Happens When We Cross Political Lines
The research on cross-political friendships reveals something fascinating: they're harder but they might make us better people.
That same 2025 study found that political attitude dissimilarity was associated with lower prejudice toward political outgroups - meaning when we're friends with people who think differently, we're less likely to demonize "the other side." But there's a trade-off: these friendships also showed lower overall friendship quality.
So cross-political friendships can make us more empathetic and less polarized, but they require more work to maintain.
Think about it: When you disagree with someone you care about on something you both feel strongly about, you have to develop skills most of us frankly haven't practiced much. You have to learn to hold space for different perspectives. You have to separate the person from the position. You have to get comfortable with discomfort.
These are actually incredible life skills - but they're hard.
Politics vs. Values: Where's the Line?
This brings up something I think we all struggle with: When does a political difference cross into a values difference?
Someone might have different ideas about economic policy, but if they're still generous, kind, and trustworthy in your daily interactions, does their vote matter for your friendship?
But when political positions seem to reflect views on social issues - how different groups of people should be treated, what rights people should have, what kind of society we want to create - it feels different, doesn't it? More personal. More about fundamental values.
The people posting about "unfriending" seemed to be saying their political differences revealed something deeper about character and moral priorities. That certain political positions crossed a line from policy disagreement into moral incompatibility.
Is that fair? Is that accurate? Or are we making assumptions about people's hearts based on their political positions in ways that might not be justified?
The Conversation Test
Can you have a disagreement with this person and both feel heard? Do they listen to understand or just to argue? Are they curious about different perspectives or dismissive? These conversation skills matter way more than political alignment.
Relationship Capacity
Some friendships are built for deep political discussions, others aren't. I have friends I can talk about anything with, and friends who are amazing for other things - weekend adventures, work advice, parenting support. Not every friendship needs to be everything.
Moving Forward (Without Being Naive)
I'm not advocating for some kumbaya approach where we pretend political differences don't matter. Some political positions do reflect fundamental differences in values that would make friendship difficult or impossible.
But I am wondering if we're being more politically narrow in our friendships than we need to be, especially when those friendships could actually make us more empathetic, less polarized people.
Maybe the goal isn't to have friends who agree with us on everything, but to have friends who challenge us to be better while still supporting us as people.
What do you think? I'm especially curious about your personal experiences:
How do you handle political differences in friendships? Do you filter people out early, discover differences later, or find ways to navigate disagreements while maintaining the relationship?
What about childhood friends? Have any of you grown apart due to evolving political differences, or have you found ways to stay close despite disagreeing on big issues? And when friends from your past reveal political positions that surprise you, do you see it as "we grew in different directions politically" or "I'm learning who they really are morally"?
The values question: How do you distinguish between political differences and fundamental values differences? When does someone's political stance cross the line from "we disagree" to "I don't think we're compatible as friends"?
The MetroWest question: In our community where certain political leanings often feel assumed, what happens when you discover someone thinks differently than expected? Do you see it as refreshing diversity or concerning moral differences?
I'd love to hear your honest experiences - this is exactly the kind of real talk that makes our Adventures & Lattes community so valuable.
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References:
Rockenbach, A. N., & Hudson, T. D. (2024). Transforming political divides: How student identities and campus contexts shape interpartisan friendships. AERA Open, 10, 23328584231222475.
Pew Research Center. (2024, July 2). What Americans talk about with family and friends. Pew Research Center. Retrieved from https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2024/07/02/whats-new-with-you-what-americans-talk-about-with-family-and-friends/
Bahns, A. J. (2025). Examining the frequency and characteristics of politically diverse friendships. Social Psychological and Personality Science. Wellesley! https://doi.org/10.1177/19485506251349880