I Used to Be That Competitive Woman - Here's What I Learned
Why competition isn't always bad - but timing and people matter
I need to be honest about something: up until this latest phase of life, I was incredibly competitive.
For almost 10 years, I worked at a company with a lot of women my age, and there was this constant undercurrent of competition between us. Who got the better opportunities? Who landed the raise? Who scored the promotion? We were all friendly - genuinely friends, even - but that underlying competition was always there, eating away at your stomach when you felt like you were falling behind.
Here's the thing though: it was also extremely motivating.
When Competition Made Me Better
I'll never forget realizing that my competitive drive was actually pushing me to excel. All those extra hours I spent learning about new projects, researching clients, and diving deeper into details than strictly necessary? It paid off in recognition from my boss and eventually led to a promotion where I got to run my own team.
Without that competitive edge - that need to prove I belonged and deserved to be there - I might not have pushed myself as hard or gotten there as quickly. Sometimes watching other women succeed lit a fire under me that pure self-motivation couldn't match.
At the time, I was genuinely trying to build my savings and gain experience because establishing a solid foundation after getting married felt crucial. But if I'm being completely honest, the biggest driver was proving I was worthy, smart enough, and belonged in that room.
The Science Behind Female Competition
Turns out, what I experienced has actual research backing it up. A fascinating new study from Psychology Today reveals that women are actually MORE competitive with each other than men are - we just compete differently.
While men compete through direct confrontation for status and dominance, women compete for resources that ensure long-term security: career opportunities, social support, professional advancement, and yes - validation that we deserve our place at the table.
The study found that women react more strongly than men when other women have resources they want but don't have. That gnawing feeling when someone else got the promotion you wanted? That's evolutionary psychology at work, and it's completely normal.
When Competition Becomes Toxic
But I've also experienced the dark side of female competition, and the contrast is stark. There's a world of difference between healthy competition that elevates everyone and the toxic version that tears people down.
I'm talking about the dirty looks when you succeeded at something. The comments you knew were happening behind your back - not because you'd done anything wrong, but simply because you were excelling at what you were hired to do.
Some people genuinely can't handle competitive feelings. Others operate from a scarcity mindset where your success automatically means their failure. When I encountered that energy, it made me want to pull back because, honestly, I'm a people pleaser who wants to be liked. That tension between wanting to succeed and wanting to be accepted? It's exhausting.
What Makes Competition Healthy vs. Toxic
Looking back, the people involved made all the difference. Women who could celebrate each other's wins while still pushing themselves to do better created an environment where everyone thrived.
But women who saw your success as their personal failure? That created a toxic atmosphere where you had to choose between achievement and acceptance - and nobody should have to make that choice.
When Everything Changes
Fast-forward to now, and my relationship with competition has completely shifted. As someone in a caregiving role with different responsibilities, I simply don't have the bandwidth to compete the way I used to. If I'm being honest, I don't really have the choice.
There's something liberating about that, but also bittersweet. I know I could accomplish so much more with my business - both financially and professionally. But I've started asking myself different questions: What am I trying to prove? Who am I trying to impress?
Going through significant life changes really shifts your perspective on what actually matters.
Competition in Suburban Life
These days, I see competition playing out differently in MetroWest - moms competing over houses, cars, social circles. The keeping-up-with-the-Joneses mentality is real around here.
When I witness it, I feel both understanding and frustration. I get it - when you're constantly surrounded by those comparisons, it's hard not to get pulled into that mindset. But I also can't help thinking that none of those surface-level things actually create the security and happiness we're all searching for.
What I'd Tell My Younger Self
If I could go back and talk to my competitive younger self, here's what I'd say: Let that drive motivate you, but be intentional about keeping it healthy and supportive.
Find women who challenge you to be better without making you feel like you need to dim your light. Seek out mentors and become one yourself. Build connections based on mutual elevation rather than competition that tears others down.
Those relationships will serve you far longer than any individual achievement ever could.
For Women in the Thick of It
If you're currently in a competitive phase, I want you to know that it's not inherently wrong. Competition can push you to achieve things you never thought possible. That drive to prove yourself, that motivation sparked by seeing other women succeed - it's natural and can absolutely serve you.
The key is choosing your environment wisely. Surround yourself with women who compete by lifting everyone up, not by pushing others down. The impact on both your mental health and your actual success will be profound.
And know that there may come a time when your priorities shift - and that's perfectly okay too.
For Those Who've Stepped Back
If you're like me and have moved away from that competitive drive, your choice is valid. You're not "giving up" or "settling" - you're simply choosing to invest your energy differently based on what matters most to you now.
Sometimes the most radical thing you can do is refuse to play a game that no longer serves your life.
The Real Takeaway
The research confirms what I lived through: women's competitive instincts are real, powerful, and evolutionary designed to help us secure what we need for long-term success and security.
But competition is only as healthy as the people around you and the environment you create.
These days, instead of competing for promotions, I'm building a community where women support each other's authentic selves. It's a different kind of energy with the same ultimate goal: creating genuine security and belonging.
Sometimes the best way to win is to change the game entirely.
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What's your relationship with competition? Are you in the thick of it, or have you stepped back? I'd love to hear your story - the victories, the challenges, and everything in between.